SAN FRANCISCO GIRLS WEEKEND!

I am so lucky to have the Momma that I DO! We had the best time in San Francisco over April 18-21 2013. I had just Graduated with my BSN and it was my Mom's Bday so we planned a fun weekend get away. I honestly wouldn't have wanted to go with anyone else! Our first day we got settled into our fancy Hotel and went out to explore the city. We ate lunch at a cute restaurant that seated you outside in between two buildings. It was a cute little nook off the road. That was the first of many meals to come with the yummy fresh fish and shrimp. We ended up getting on the crazy double stacked buses and got a tour of the city. We also went over the Golden Gate Bridge and froze our butts off on the way there haha. I forgot out windy and chilly it gets. The tour guide said that the weekend we came was supposed to be one of the warmest and nicest! Woot Woot.

We were able to do so many more things over the weekend like visiting Alcatraz. It is amazing to see where the prisoners were and fun to travel over to it on the boat. They had said how horrible it was for the prisoners because they could always here the laughter and celebrating over in the City and they knew they were stuck in such a horrible place. They also told us what laws and such the people had broke that had made them prisoners in Alcatraz.....pretty sure the majority of our population would be banished to Alcatraz these days. Maybe that's not a bad idea? haha jk. 

They have a temporary light show that is going on at the Bay Bridge and we were lucky enough to be there while it was still going on. It was really pretty! I can't remember how many millions of dollars they said it cost for it, but it was pretty ridiculous. San Francisco has one of the largest homeless populations, and they were literally everywhere. It was so sad. I can't imagine how many people could be fed with the money spent on lights, but we still loved it!

One of the things I loved most was the food (of course)! But I absolutely love fresh fish and shrimp, so we had it for every meal possible. "The Cod Mother" was one of our favorites as well as "Bubba Gumps." Yum! I think I came home a good 5lbs chubbier, but it was well worth it! We loved walking down at Fisherman's Worf and seeing the fun shops. We were able to go to Ghiradelli Square and share a banana split and thought lots of our Grandma Lue and how much she would have loved it there! Her diet consisted of chocolate, and more chocolate. We also paid WAY too much money for the lame Wax Museum. All I can say is holy ghetto! As you can see the cardboard cut out of Justin Bieber was the best part of the whole thing.

Sunday we had a pretty laid back day. We had grabbed a few things the night before for breakfast so we slept in a little and then got up to pack and get ready to go home. We tracked down a taxi to take us to an LDS church not far away and we were able to make it to Sacrament before our plane left.It was such a good meeting!!!! We were so happy we decided to go and had such an uplifting day! I learn from my sweet Mother on a daily basis. She is continually in tune with the spirit and has received so much comfort and guidance for our family and for me personally. I sincerely believe that she knows who she is and who's she is, and she has never ceased to teach me the same thing. When we are together and I get to hear her pray I can feel the relationship she has with our Heavenly Father. I hear her pray for my brother's and I fervently everyday and know that truly there are few things in life more sacred. Because of her faith I have been shaped into the woman I without a doubt in my mind I KNOW I have protecting Angels around me because of her prayers.

I LOVE YOU MOMMA!

"Every trial & experience you have passed through is necessary for your Salvation" -Brigham Young

I have been reading a book that has such uplifting messages and reminders in it. Funny how Heavenly Father gently nudges you when you need it...even if it's on something that you've known and believed your whole life, I still tend to get lax. So...this was on prayer. I hate that I tend to not pray as much, or as fervently when my life is going easier. Maybe I wouldn't have the big trials and hardships as often if I was as spiritual now as I am during them? Any who the other night I read this chapter on prayer and loved it and knew the Lord was telling me something.

Prayer can and should encompass every moment of our day, regardless of our activities. Prayer isn't a chore, task, or something to be checked off on a to-do list.


 PRAYER IS PASSION. Prayer is protection; a calm in the storm of life and a safe harbor. Prayer is connecting with The God of the Universe, holy, high and exalted, who desires a relationship with each of us, with you!

Prayer is sharing life's joys and difficulties with our Creator. Prayer is talking and listening. Prayer is spending time with the One who knows YOU BEST. No pretenses are needed. God is Love. And when you pray you're communicating with love. Prayer is talking with Love, The One who loves you.

~ONE YEAR~

June 7th and 8th....Two days that I will never forget.....that will continue to pass, and that I know some day will pass easier. It's been a year...a year where tears have come often, prayers have been answered, sleepless nights have been had, faith has been tested, hope has been my driving force, miracles have been seen, grief has been real, fears are present, and the Lord has always been close.

God, help me be grateful for all my lessons, even the ones that caused me the most pain and suffering. Help me learn what I need to learn, so I can stop the pain in my life.

I am so ready to be done! Done with worrying, done with crying, done with hurt. I don't want to live in fear anymore. I don't want to be fearful of the future, fearful of going in public or seeing him. I don't want going to the grocery store to be hard anymore! I want to live my life for me and to be sincerely happy....I just don't know how to do all of this yet. I will never not be grateful for my experiences. All of this has made me who I am. I can honestly say that I have seen real, unmistakable miracles and the hand of the Lord in my life. Whether it was directly him giving my comfort and peace, or if it was at the hand of a friend, family member, or stranger answering a prayer exactly at the moment I couldn't do it anymore. It is hard to think of the sleepless days and nights that I was going through at this time last year. I seriously thought that I had used up all the tears for my lifetime and that I would never cry again. I remember working all night long and never going to sleep during the day...for days on end. I remember feeling such a heaviness on my chest that it was difficult to breath. I remember not wanting to get up and having to live another day. I have felt the hurt of the reality that something I wanted so bad not being there...the reality of life crashing down around me. I have looked over some of my journal entries during the darkest times of my life and just by reading them can feel the burden I felt during that time....."Life has been hard. Hart to live, hard to breathe, hard to smile. Life feels dark. I feel like I am in sinking sand and can't get out. My home is quiet. My burdens are heavy and more than I can carry. My self esteem is lower than I've ever experienced. I feel worthless, ugly and incompetent. I don't know what to do or how to do it." How GRATEFUL I am to be out of that place. Who knows where I would be right now if I hadn't? I have been richly blessed and my life is happy. I have the most amazing family and friends. I have a job I love and can support myself. I have the gospel that blesses me daily. I have the temple that has been a refuge and protection.

"He hears your prayers. He knows your hopes and dreams, including your fears and frustrations. And He knows what you can become through faith in him. I testify that the Savior's Atonement lifts from us not only the burden of our sins but also the burden of our disappointments and sorrows, our heartaches and our despair. Whatever your distress, please don't give up and please don't yield to fear."

If you are lonely, please know you can find comfort.

If you are discouraged, please know you can find hope.

If you are poor in spirit, please know you can be strengthened.

If you feel you are broken, please know you can be mended.

"Be a woman of Christ. Cherish your esteemed place in the sight of God. He needs you. This Church needs you. The world needs you. A woman's abiding trust in God and unfailing devotion to things of the Spirit have always been an anchor when the wind and the waves of life were fiercest. If you live up to your privileges, the angels cannot be restrained from being your associates."

March 16th, 2013 Elizabeth Smart

I haven't blogged for a while! But on Saturday March 16th I went to a devotional that Elizabeth Smart spoke at with my Mom up in Evanston. It was titled "Overcoming Adversity." She did such a good job! I can't imagine actually living the horrific incident that she went through.

I have had my ups and downs and good and bad days throughout the last year. On the day that I went to her devotional was a day I had just been thinking, "Where is the justice?" Selfish I know......Elizabeth spoke about the night that she was taken and some of the events that took place over the 9 months she was gone from her family until she was finally found. She spoke about how after she had been gone for a while she started wondering if her friends and family even missed her. Or how they probably wouldn't ever want her back because she felt so used and dirty from what had happened to her. She gave a scenario that as a child your mother may have had a very special vase that she loved. And that she would tell you often to be careful around it so you didn't break it....and that one day you ran by the vase and accidentally knocked it to the ground and it shattered into millions of little pieces. The vase was just sitting on the shelf innocently and yet it was broken....it was so broken that no matter how much super glue was used it could never be put back together or be the same again. She explained that was how she felt...broken, damaged, never to be the same again. I started to have tears go down my face....that is exactly how I have felt. My trial is nothing in comparison to her....but I felt used, damaged, broken, and I KNOW that I will never be the same again.

I have had to try to come to terms that yes 9 and a half months of my life were taken away that I can NEVER get back....but I can choose to be happy and to live my life to the fullest. Me being bitter or sad only hurts me...It is very possible that I will not receive restitution in this life, or get back what I lost....But it will be okay because God is a perfect God. He is a God of justice and mercy. All that was lost, all the hurt, all the fear, sadness, tears will be made up for in the next life. That is the hope that we can always hold on to when we go through trials and it is the hope I have to remind myself of on a daily basis.

The negatives are really positives~

 The negatives are really positive and what brings me closer to God!

His love is TAYLOR-MADE just for me.

I have asked before where is the abundant life God promised in the midst of suffering. Sometimes it's hard to find... and life just stinks. I've learned to go with the flow and admit the truth. Deep waters I am want to tread in....but God never leaves my side.

The more trials I have endured, the more I've experienced God's unending faithfulness and love. With each hurdle crossed, each trial survived, comes strength, fulfillment, and joy. Limping through life isn't what God intended. Jesus came to set us free. Not partially free, but completely and totally free. When we allow God to walk us through and provide healing...He uses our difficulties to help others to fight their battles. I have learned this lesson so strongly the last year and a half. All around me people are struggling...whether it is physically, mentally, or spiritually. I know that through trials and my experiences that I may be able to help in part of their rescue. I know that when we struggle, hurt, or sin that God picks us up, dusts us off, and sets us on our feet again. He is continually granting his unfailing grace. God NEVER fails to forgive sin, to heal wounds of the past, to supply beauty that is all around us, and every need I could ever have.

I admit there were days when I wondered why I was in the situation I was and why it wasn't changing...but God never EVER left me. He never fails. Regardless of what trials and messes the adversary throws at me HE will never fail me. Christs love for me is forever, faithful, just, merciful, abounding, everlasting, gracious, compassionate, and patient. His love is wide, long, high, and deep and is always there when the floods come and sorrow is present. I am fully aware that God's purposes are beyond anything I can imagine. God looks at us and sees our potential and all that we can become! I know that he sees how I can conform to the image of his Son by gently and sometimes painfully shaping my testimony. I am so grateful for that!

"Abundant living is not just about life, it's about living in Christ, finding who WE are in Him."

"For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." Ephesians

Always learning!

I went to Institute yesterday even though I was completely overwhelmed with homework and it was the best decision I made (even though NO homework was done) :) I am always learning! Even if it's something i've been taught my whole life it's funny how we forget and can still be touched by something we've heard before. The lesson was SO good! The teachers taught it on reading your scriptures. I am much better at listening to conference talks than I am at reading my scriptures. But after the lesson was over I made it a goal to read my scriptures every single day no matter what. They promised that if we did that something would touch your life. They also promised that we would be better at the things that are important to ME personally. In Joshua 1:8 if promises that if you read the scriptures that you will have good success and prosperity. You'll be blessed with WHATEVER YOU NEED (who doesn't need that?). They shared some experiences about people who had been blessed with the temporal things because of reading your scriptures. Some of the points I was taught were:

• You'll become independent.
• You'll know how he will save you.
• You'll have an eye single to his glory with nothing doubting.
• There is nothing that you will not find an answer to.
• Your mind will be enlightened.
• Have the spirit of prophecy and revelation.
• It is one of the most powerful weapons against the adversary.
• Inspiration of the Holy Ghost.
• They will sooth you.
• You'll get a demension to your life that nobody else will get. 
• It will increase your faith, increase your desire to do what's right, you'll feel inspiration, and have understanding.

Can you tell I'm in school because I'm making bullet points? Pathetic I know! I needed this lesson so badly right now! I NEED to be soothed, I need to feel enlightened and strengthened, I need a powerful weapon against the adversary when he is working so hard to bring me down and work on my weaknesses of inadequacy. I am taking the challenge to see how many days, months, and years that I can go reading my scriptures everyday. Thank you Heavenly Father for continually blessing me, guiding me, comforting me, letting me know it will all be ok.......and giving me the strength and tools to keep going!

I want to be like them!

Wow...Life is crazy. I've had such a debate with myself and the attitude I get to choose over trials. Last night I was lying in bed and opened up my book that said, "Let go of timing. We want things so badly. We want our life to change. Right now we need to relax. You are being prepared. You can let go of timing and good things will happen when the timing is right."
I have prayed to my Heavenly Father SO much and have asked that I can be grateful for ALL of my lessons, even the ones that have caused me the most pain and suffering. Help me to learn what I need to learn from them.While getting ready for church today I was thinking about trials and the things that happen in all of our lives. I was thinking about Joseph Smith and so many other people who have suffered SO much during their life.....and I thought about someday making it to the Celestial Kingdom and being able to stand beside them and talk to them. I felt instant gratitude and strength for my trials. I WANT TO HAVE THEM! I want to be like these amazing people. I want to someday after this life be able to look back and see ALL that I have overcome, and not hope for an easy life. I want to be able to say I passed my tests! I want to feel worthy to be in their presence because I know how much I have overcame too! I instantly felt remorse for the times I asked my Heavenly Father why? There is so much I learn from each individual obstacle that I overcome, but if nothing else I am ALWAYS driven to my knees and to my Savior. And for me that is more than I could ever need. The hope that I find in my Savior is the anchor for my soul. I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless I do not know the meaning of all things. I don't think I will ever fully understand the meaning of all things in this life, but I think that is part of my test to have faith in him that I can fully trust where he is leading me. I am slowly being molded into the Daughter of God he wants me to be...I want to say at the end of my life that I have been through the refiners fire.

"But, behold, Zion hath said: The Lord hath forsaken me, and my Lord hath forgotten me—but he will show that he hath not.

For can a women forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? Yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee, O house of Israel.

Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me."

I read this in church today and I know that he has never forgotten me and that he never will leave my side. This is one of my favorite Hilary Weeks songs....

Hilary Weeks: Never Alone

 Why did this happen
Do you know what's happened to me
And Heaven were you watching
Were you watching over me
Cause the way that I've been feeling
Well I'm feeling so alone

So if you hear this prayer
And if I'm not alone
I need to know
I need to know you're there
I need something to hold on to
I need someone who will care

Carry me on
And Carry me through somehow
Make since of this pain
And show me the way

Cause when the darkness comes
I'm a prisoner to my fears
Although I'm listening the doubt is all I hear
Then I reach for your hand
and feel you reaching back
And the light returns

And I begin, I begin to understand
My soul can feel the Mercy
And the love in your plan

And when I let go
And turn all the hurt and sorrow over to you
The burden is light
And trusting I find

Though the storms roll in
And the winds of change may blow
I know you'll let them come
So that I can learn and grow
And when i reach for your hand
I feel you reaching back
And that's how I know
I am never alone

He doesn't immediately try to make it better...he listens first

I have been amazed as I have grown in life and my understanding of it this far how truly and deeply my Savior knows me. There have been so many occasions that I have knelt in prayer to speak to my Heavenly Father when I am so deeply anguished and SO lonely.....and I have realized that he doesn't immediately try to make it better, he listens first. He lets me say what I need to say and then I am quickly turned to my Savior. Forgiveness has not always been easy...but when it happens I know that it is not me, but that it is my Heavenly Father working through me. All he requires is for me to not get in the way of his light and mercy and his brilliance. I know that the times I feel alone that I am never alone...I am grateful that God allows us tragedy's and trials in our life, not because they are easy or wanted.....but because they help me love. Because of them I have come to know my Brother who has known such sorrow and grief. And I deeply hope that one day I will be able to see him as he is and be able to be like him.

~Tough Times DON'T Last Tough People Do~

 “The best antidote I know for worry is work. The best cure for weariness is the challenge of helping someone who is even more tired. One of the great ironies of life is this: He or she who serves almost always benefits more than he or she who is served.”- President Gordon B. Hinckley

"There are those among you who, although young, have already suffered a full measure of grief and sorrow. My heart is filled with compassion and love for you. How dear you are to the Church. How beloved you are of your Heavenly Father. Though it may seem that you are alone, angels attend you. Though you may feel that no one can understand the depth of your despair, our Savior, Jesus Christ, understands. He suffered more than we can possibly imagine, and He did it for us; He did it for you.

"Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come." —Jeffrey R. Holland

I am really trying to be happy WHERE I AM AT RIGHT NOW. To live everyday to the fullest and to enjoy it.....not idly hoping for the day that I am happy again...but that I can make myself be happy in this very moment. Maybe I am not where I felt like I should be, or where I hoped to be in my life but I know that I am where I am because someone can see things that I can't see. Someone who can see the "bigger" picture...I know that I can make an impact on the life's of others around me and that I can be a positive influence. I want to leave others feeling better about themselves....that hopefully for that moment that I was a part of their day that they may be able to forget some of their worries, lighten their cares, and lift their day. 

I missed you today......

This life is not always easy, nor was it meant to be; it is a time of testing and proving. At times when we may feel to say, Hope you know, I had a hard time, we can be assured that Jesus Christ is there and we are safe in His loving arms.

Hi Grandma. I missed you today....Aunt Rosalee is in Heaven with you now, and I know that you two are laughing and catching up with each other. You were always the best example of being sweet and positive to every living person on this earth. I feel that because of your life I am able to endure my hardships a "little" bit easier. You lost so much during this life and had many heartaches....I too have felt that frequent disappointment. Some days I feel that as soon as I recover from a trial the next wave comes to knock me down. Life has a funny way of constantly teaching us lessons. Because of your strength I know that I can get through these heartaches too and still be a wonderful loving person for them. Last night while I was in bed reading I came upon a section in my book called "Enjoyment." I know that this was no coincidence but a little tender mercy. It stated, "Life is not to be endured; life is to be enjoyed and embraced! The belief that we must square our shoulders and get through a meager, deprived existence for far-off rewards in Heaven is a codependent belief. Yes, most of us still have times when life will be stressful and challenge our endurance skills. But we're learning to live, to enjoy our life, and handle situations as they come." I know you had days that were hard and sometimes unbearable...but you never just endured life. You embraced all of the wonderful people in it and the blessing of life itself....I can't wait to see you again and have our little chats. I love you!

Do you love me more than you love ALL of this?

THE FIRST GREAT COMMANDMENT

~HE IS MY REFUGE AND MY FORTRESS~

Each Conference I try to listen to at least one talk a day. This talk by Elder Holland was my favorite and I have listened to it at least 5 times since November. But today....I heard it...really heard it. I love being able to read the scriptures and scriptural doctrine and being able to find something new in it; especially when you need it most. I can only hope to have more time on this Earth to learn more and more deeply understand this Gospel, the Atonement, and build my relationship and selflessness towards my Savior. I am humbled often by my lack of understanding and with the ability I have to sin. I am still like a child in the gospel and have so much more to learn. The Lord asked Peter THREE times if he loved him. My thought when I listened to this was that if the Lord asked me if I loved him that there would not be a second of hesitation for me to say YES! But as I listened to the talk I thought of the things that I have done that would not be showing the Savior my love for him and my devotion DAILY to the gospel. I'm sure he would ask, "Then Stephanie, why are you here?" Why are you not out serving my children?

“Then Peter, why are you here? Why are we back on this same shore, by these same nets, having this same conversation? Wasn’t it obvious then and isn’t it obvious now that if I want fish, I can get fish? What I need, Peter, are disciples—and I need them forever. I need someone to feed my sheep and save my lambs. I need someone to preach my gospel and defend my faith. I need someone who loves me, truly, truly loves me, and loves what our Father in Heaven has commissioned me to do. Ours is not a feeble message. It is not a fleeting task. It is not hapless; it is not hopeless; it is not to be consigned to the ash heap of history. It is the work of Almighty God, and it is to change the world. So, Peter, for the second and presumably the last time, I am asking you to leave all this and to go teach and testify, labor and serve loyally until the day in which they will do to you exactly what they did to me."

He will want to know if in our very mortal, very inadequate, and sometimes childish grasp of things, did we at least understand one commandment, the first and greatest commandment of them all—“Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind.” And if at such a moment we can stammer out, “Yea, Lord, thou knowest that I love thee,” then He may remind us that the crowning characteristic of love is always loyalty.

“If ye love me, keep my commandments,” Jesus said. So we have neighbors to bless, children to protect, the poor to lift up, and the truth to defend. We have wrongs to make right, truths to share, and good to do. In short, we have a life of devoted discipleship to give in demonstrating our love of the Lord. We can’t quit and we can’t go back. After an encounter with the living Son of the living God, nothing is ever again to be as it was before.

I am so grateful for my testimony of the gospel that keeps my life on track, that gives me HOPE. That reminds me daily that the Savior has never left me. He will never leave me....that he loves me and prays for me. I need to remind myself every day to be a disciple of Christ and to never look back until his work is finished and that the love of God rules the world.