I have had several days where I have been guided to work towards forgiveness...but there are two specific Sunday's that I can think of that I know Heavenly Father was giving me a direct message. Initially I was too hurt to feel anger. I was too sad, too let down, had no self confidence to even feel anger....but those feelings have finally come throughout my grieving process. NEVER in my life have I struggled to forgive someone who has wronged me or hurt me....EVER! I have felt that it was a blessing that I have been able to let go...But I guess I had something to learn because I am not there yet! I find it so hard to not utterly resent him...to resent all he took from me....my joy, my innocence, my ability to feel loved and happiness, my trust...I was left broken, battered, bruised, shattered, used, hurt, and extremely tired...How was I to so easily forgive all of the lies, the hurtful words said that are en graven into my mind that I will never be able to forget? I had gone up to church at my parents about two months ago. It had been about ten months since I had bore my testimony...I just hadn't been able to! On fast Sunday I would sit in the congregation and listen to people's testimony's thinking that NO ONE had a clue what I was going through...I struggled to find the ability to bear my testimony saying how wonderful life was, when at that moment that was not how I felt. But this Sunday I had that throbbing in your chest that you think your heart is going to jump right out and you're so anxious you almost instinctively stand up. My testimony poured out on my love for my Savior...His ability to give me strength when I am too weak to move on...when I would rather just quit. It was yet another step in my direction to heal. The lesson in Relief Society was from a Sister who had been in a horrible marriage. Who's husband had struggled with pornography for years, and who inevitably cheated on her. She spoke of her ability to forgive him! And how doing so gave her peace in her life. I knew that was what I wanted! It is doing no one else harm but myself to hold this anger. He could care less...It is not hurting him! Only my relationship with my Father in Heaven. Then a couple weeks ago I was at my ward listening to a guy bear testimony on forgiveness. At first I was a little frustrated because I know it's what I need to do but I have at times felt justified in my anger...The scripture had been shared that day that hit me in a way it never had before....3 Nephi 12:44 "But behold I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them who despitefully use you and persecute you." Holy cow it hit me like a ton of bricks and I started to cry and read it over a couple times. I had been despitefully used and persecuted....and it was required of me to love him and pray for him. I love tender mercies. I love these "aw ha" moments. Because of this trial I have learned true, selfless, difficult, and eternal forgiveness. I'm sure this is only about .00001% of the amount of forgiveness that the Savior had to give to those who had hurt him...But he loved them anyway...he prayed for them anyway....he forgave them anyway....Helaman 3:35 "Nevertheless they did fast and pray oft, and did wax stronger and stronger in their humility, and firmer and firmer in their faith of Christ, unto the filling their souls with joy and consolation, yea, even to the purifying and the sanctification of their hearts, which sanctification cometh because of their yielding their hearts unto God." I am slowly but surely learning...I can't thank my Heavenly Father enough for his continual patience, guidance, and love.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
*Begin Again*
I have had several days where I have been guided to work towards forgiveness...but there are two specific Sunday's that I can think of that I know Heavenly Father was giving me a direct message. Initially I was too hurt to feel anger. I was too sad, too let down, had no self confidence to even feel anger....but those feelings have finally come throughout my grieving process. NEVER in my life have I struggled to forgive someone who has wronged me or hurt me....EVER! I have felt that it was a blessing that I have been able to let go...But I guess I had something to learn because I am not there yet! I find it so hard to not utterly resent him...to resent all he took from me....my joy, my innocence, my ability to feel loved and happiness, my trust...I was left broken, battered, bruised, shattered, used, hurt, and extremely tired...How was I to so easily forgive all of the lies, the hurtful words said that are en graven into my mind that I will never be able to forget? I had gone up to church at my parents about two months ago. It had been about ten months since I had bore my testimony...I just hadn't been able to! On fast Sunday I would sit in the congregation and listen to people's testimony's thinking that NO ONE had a clue what I was going through...I struggled to find the ability to bear my testimony saying how wonderful life was, when at that moment that was not how I felt. But this Sunday I had that throbbing in your chest that you think your heart is going to jump right out and you're so anxious you almost instinctively stand up. My testimony poured out on my love for my Savior...His ability to give me strength when I am too weak to move on...when I would rather just quit. It was yet another step in my direction to heal. The lesson in Relief Society was from a Sister who had been in a horrible marriage. Who's husband had struggled with pornography for years, and who inevitably cheated on her. She spoke of her ability to forgive him! And how doing so gave her peace in her life. I knew that was what I wanted! It is doing no one else harm but myself to hold this anger. He could care less...It is not hurting him! Only my relationship with my Father in Heaven. Then a couple weeks ago I was at my ward listening to a guy bear testimony on forgiveness. At first I was a little frustrated because I know it's what I need to do but I have at times felt justified in my anger...The scripture had been shared that day that hit me in a way it never had before....3 Nephi 12:44 "But behold I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them who despitefully use you and persecute you." Holy cow it hit me like a ton of bricks and I started to cry and read it over a couple times. I had been despitefully used and persecuted....and it was required of me to love him and pray for him. I love tender mercies. I love these "aw ha" moments. Because of this trial I have learned true, selfless, difficult, and eternal forgiveness. I'm sure this is only about .00001% of the amount of forgiveness that the Savior had to give to those who had hurt him...But he loved them anyway...he prayed for them anyway....he forgave them anyway....Helaman 3:35 "Nevertheless they did fast and pray oft, and did wax stronger and stronger in their humility, and firmer and firmer in their faith of Christ, unto the filling their souls with joy and consolation, yea, even to the purifying and the sanctification of their hearts, which sanctification cometh because of their yielding their hearts unto God." I am slowly but surely learning...I can't thank my Heavenly Father enough for his continual patience, guidance, and love.
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