The little things....

 On Sunday this sweet boy melted my heart. I was at church in Evanston with my family when Bubba brought Grandma his Book of Mormon and said he wanted to read the scriptures. The sacrament was being passed and they flipped to the pictures in the back. He saw the picture of the Salt Lake Temple, pointed at it and said "that's Steph's Temple." Like a flood the gates opened and I started to bawl. He remembers the Salt lake temple from my wedding day. I do feel so attached to the temple and it is a sacred haven on Earth that I am so grateful for. I love these little kids and the sweet spirits they bring with them. They melt my heart on a frequent basis by the sweet things they say or a kiss on the cheek!

I have to brag and say that I do have the BEST family in the world. They have always been there for me in the toughest of times. Life has not been easy on me the last while....when I have felt alone I have always had the comfort of knowing my Heavenly father is there...EVERY SINGLE TIME I PRAY. But I am also so blessed to have parents and the rest of my family in tune to know when I have needed something. Thursday May 3 will be chalked up as one of the hardest days of my life thus far. I was working the night shift and had been horribly busy with very sick patients for 2 days....Going back to where it all started from was about 3 months ago Jordan had a hernia surgery. He was out of work for about 2 weeks before surgery and then had not been back to work for a little over a month and a half after. These last 3 weeks he has been going to work. He has called me saying he is on his way to work and occasionally throughout the night. I have been having this gnawing feeling in my stomach that something was off. I tried to ignore it and just go on with life as usual....Thursday night the prompting hit me hard that I didn't think Jordan was working. He had not received a paycheck the day before, and he had not called me from a jail number like he normally had. I decided to call him at the jail to check in on him. They answered and said he was not working that night.....I panicked. My stomach dropped and I thought I was going to throw up. I instantly started crying (shocker I know). Work was kind enough to let me use my 30 minute lunch break to drive home and see if Jordan was there. The whole drive to the house I prayed my heart out....I knew he was going to be home. I pulled up to the house and there he was..my heart was breaking and I felt so betrayed. I finished out the rest of work the best I knew how and have been unable to sleep for 2 days straight since. I had been packing his lunches, washing his uniforms, and thinking that he was working. He had not been to work the last 3 weeks he said he had been...This was not right!!!! I feel deceived, manipulated, and the word hurt can't describe my heart. I have been home with my family receiving all the love and support they have. Mending my wounds, staying close to my Father in Heaven, and taking one day at a time. I know that the Lord has allowed me to learn and grow in ways I never knew possible. I can be weak and angry at the trials I am given, but I do know they have been for MY good. I am richly blessed and loved. There has not been one day since this has happened that I have not had an amazing experience that the Lord is letting me know he is here...I have had a phone call at the right time or the right words said. I have had friends or family receive a prompting to talk to me without even knowing that there had been something wrong. I will be okay...in time I will understand and be okay......

Blessings......

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

Blessings are what keep me going.....Along with the amazing support of my Savior and Family. I went to Time Out For Women a couple months ago. It was perfect! I heard amazing words that I truly needed. I know that everyone can receive revelation...but the last few years I've been figuring out how I receive my own personal revelation. One of the ways I have received guidance in my life time and time again is through music, specifically church music. It speaks to my heart and invites the spirit in such a personal and special way for me. While I was at Time Out for Women I bought the new Mercy River CD. I love them! I listened to the CD on my way home and this song struck me in such a way it probably wasn't safe for me to be driving. I truly felt my Heavenly Father comforting me, speaking to me, and felt his presence right then. I have had a hard time understanding why time and time again my heart is broken...not only broken but shattered and stomped on. I listen to this song seriously on a daily basis. It keeps me going and reminds me to keep perspective in my life. I know that why I am going through what I am is because of life. It is because we are here to grow. Each of us with our own agency and ability to make choices. Whether these choices are good or bad, or whether they hurt or help others we still can make them. Though I cannot yet completely say I am grateful for what I have been through, I can say I am so grateful for the positive things it has done for me. I am closer to my Father in Heaven, my testimony has grown, my empathy has grown for people going through similar trials, and even if it takes a thousand sleepless nights crying out to my Heavenly Father to help me.....I CAN do this, and I can better know his love and plan for me.

Beautiful Heartbreak

So this song has kinda been my theme song for the last 6 months or so...My mom had actually heard it first and told me about it. I was struggling and very un-understanding of what I am going through and why. I started the song on my computer and instantly started sobbing. Yet again it was another tender mercy in the midst of adversity. I have truly had those feelings of this trial coming into my life and it feels so huge and overwhelming that I search for any possible way to do without it or get around it. But when all is said and done I do begin to climb; taking it day by day. Never in these last 6 months have a been alone, not even when I feel no one understands. I have been lifted and carried when I have been too weak to do it anymore. I can only hope to view my trials as a beautiful heartbreak, and truly see the view that my sweet Father in Heaven is allowing me to see.

I had it all mapped out in front of me,
Knew just where I wanted to go;
But life decided to change my plans,
And I found a mountain in the middle of my road.

I knew there was no way over it,
So I searched for a way around;
Brokenhearted I started climbin',
And at the top I found...

Every fear, every doubt,
All the pain I went through;
Was the price that I paid to see this view;
And now that I'm here I would never trade...

The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights;

I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.
I never dreamed my heart would make it,
I thought about turning around;
But heaven has shown me miracles,
I never would have seen from the ground.

Now I take the rain with the sunshine,
Cause there's one thing that I know;
He picks up the pieces,
Along each broken road.

Every fear, every doubt,
All the pain I went through;
Was the price that I paid to see this view;
And now that I'm here I would never trade...

The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights.

I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.

I would never trade...

The grace that I feel,
And the faith that I find;
Through the bitter-sweet tears,
And the sleepless nights.

I used to pray he'd take it all away,
But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.

My Guardian Angel**

 My sweet sweet Grandma Lue! Gosh I miss you here on Earth and I still have days I cry thinking of you and missing our talks....they are happy tears and I am so grateful to have you as my guardian angel!!! I have felt your presence in some very sacred and special times in my life. You were the best example of kindness, selflessness, happiness, love, virtue, and womanhood. I love the memories we've had together that will be locked in my heart forever until our sweet reunion in heaven. There was never a person on the street you didn't hand out money to and have a tear in your eye because of the amazing gift you have to care for people. You always kept yourself so nice and beautiful. I loved helping you touch up your hair and put your lipstick on. I hope to age as beautifully as you. 

Grandma Lue I was so blessed to be with you in your last week of life here on Earth. I know that both you and our Father in Heaven had a hand in it to allow things to work out for us to be together. I remember when you were in the hospital and had developed aspiration pneumonia. I was already emotional from recently breaking up with CJ that I had dated for two years, so needless to say there were a lot of tears shed. I remember I was sitting by your side, you were holding my hand and sleeping. I was reading the Ensign when you woke up and looked at me and you said "you are so beautiful....inside and out." Grandma you don't know how much I needed to hear that at that very moment. I ended up leaving later that day to go back and work for a day and figure out my schedule then drove back out to be with you. By the weekend you were not doing as well and we knew it was almost your time to return to Heavenly Father. All of our family spent the day by your side on Saturday. By the end of the day everyone was very tired and needed to go home. I was blessed to be the one to stay with you for the night. I treasure every minute of being by your side. That night I could feel the spirit so strongly in our room. I assisted giving you morphine and ativan as you needed it along with the nurse that worked the night. It was about 2 am when the nurse had come in to roll you onto your other side. They put your head down to roll you easier and it caused you to choke some. It scared me and I wished so badly I could take it away for you. I stayed in the chair by your side all night. We prayed together and even sang together (Yes I did sing and we both know how well our family sings). By about 5 am the aide came in and I helped her to get you cleaned up. We combed your hair, put your chapstick on, and your favorite Victoria Secret lotion. I still to this day cannot smell that lotion without thinking of you! It was Sunday morning now (your favorite day of the week) so while we cleaned you up we listened to church hymns on my phone. I had text the family letting them know I thought you were getting close to passing so that they could come see you. Your sister Bonnie and Uncle Terry showed up along with Brandon and Amanda. We sat by your bed holding your hands while Bonnie kissed your cheek and reassured you it was okay to go to sleep and to go be with mom. Peacefully you took your last breath. I cannot imagine how many angels were in the room with us that morning greeting you back to our Father in Heaven. It was not a coincidence that your passed away on Sunday, the Lord's day, and your favorite day. Within 2 minutes your sweet husband and 2 daughters walked in the door. They were so sad to have missed your passing, but I know in my heart it was meant to be. You didn't want them remembering that moment, but rather all of the other beautiful memories. We sat around your bed and told of our memories and funny stories, laughing and crying together. It was perfect and just how you would have wanted it to have been. I love your Grandma. I can't wait to see you again, healthy and strong, and have our little talks again.

Daddy's little girl.

 Dad....I love you! I am the only one who can sometimes get through to you when you are stubborn. Reason number 1: because I am your only little girl. And reason number 2 because I can be just as stubborn as you:) I have learned so much from you dad. One of the greatest things I have learned is hard work. There has never been a day that's gone by that you don't work your butt off! Whether it's at home or at work you keep yourself busy and support our family. I am forever grateful for that being instilled into me. I am so grateful that I know how to work and have been able to support myself. It has been a huge blessing and I had no idea the impact it would have on my life. .

 Dad I am grateful to know that I can overcome trials....the reason I know this is because I have seen you overcome so many trials! Going through some of the experiences our family did has sculpted me and has helped me to sympathize with others.  I am so grateful for your strength and example you are to be the strong husband, dad, and grandpa that you are today. I can't imagine my life without you in it! I remember growing up and going on daddy daughter dates and how much I loved them. Some of my very favorites were the 49th street galaria and rollerskating together. There has not been one day that has gone by that I haven't felt and known how much you love me and how proud of me you are. I love you forever dad!

For my amazing Mom and best friend!

I absolutely don't know what I would do without this woman in my life! She understands me and loves me unconditionally. It truly amazes me the inspiration she receives for me and for others. She can know something is wrong with me before I've ever given her a hint something has happened. She is my angel and saving grace in many of the trials I have had in my life. We laugh, cry, mourn, and love together. I hope to be half the wife, mother, friend, and grandma that she is someday. She has been through so many trials and has always gracefully dealt with them, never forgetting who she is and the amazing virtue she has. I cannot thank you enough for being what you have been for me this last year...You've been a shoulder to cry on (sometimes sob on), strength to keep me going, a listening ear, and always giving heavenly advice that I needed at that exact moment. Mom I love you to the moon and back forever and ever!

Starting my journal...

So...I've decided life is hard, not fair, and so incredibly hard to understand at times. I have been through so many things that I have never had intentions of going through. Even though there are days I throw myself my own little pity party, there is NEVER a day that goes by that I don't also feel richly blessed. When the hard days come and I have to make myself get out of bed, it is that very same day that I will have 10 tender mercies that remind me of who I am and why I am here. I am starting my blog as a journal for myself to have down the road and remember the raw emotions I felt in these moments. I am also starting it for my own sanity and therapy for my life. I love my family, I have amazing friends, my testimony and understanding of the gospel are constantly growing, and I have people bless my life on a daily basis. Note for myself today is I am strong and I can do this! "The Gospel of Jesus Christ isn't insurance against pain, it is a resource in the event of pain."