~ONE YEAR~

June 7th and 8th....Two days that I will never forget.....that will continue to pass, and that I know some day will pass easier. It's been a year...a year where tears have come often, prayers have been answered, sleepless nights have been had, faith has been tested, hope has been my driving force, miracles have been seen, grief has been real, fears are present, and the Lord has always been close.

God, help me be grateful for all my lessons, even the ones that caused me the most pain and suffering. Help me learn what I need to learn, so I can stop the pain in my life.

I am so ready to be done! Done with worrying, done with crying, done with hurt. I don't want to live in fear anymore. I don't want to be fearful of the future, fearful of going in public or seeing him. I don't want going to the grocery store to be hard anymore! I want to live my life for me and to be sincerely happy....I just don't know how to do all of this yet. I will never not be grateful for my experiences. All of this has made me who I am. I can honestly say that I have seen real, unmistakable miracles and the hand of the Lord in my life. Whether it was directly him giving my comfort and peace, or if it was at the hand of a friend, family member, or stranger answering a prayer exactly at the moment I couldn't do it anymore. It is hard to think of the sleepless days and nights that I was going through at this time last year. I seriously thought that I had used up all the tears for my lifetime and that I would never cry again. I remember working all night long and never going to sleep during the day...for days on end. I remember feeling such a heaviness on my chest that it was difficult to breath. I remember not wanting to get up and having to live another day. I have felt the hurt of the reality that something I wanted so bad not being there...the reality of life crashing down around me. I have looked over some of my journal entries during the darkest times of my life and just by reading them can feel the burden I felt during that time....."Life has been hard. Hart to live, hard to breathe, hard to smile. Life feels dark. I feel like I am in sinking sand and can't get out. My home is quiet. My burdens are heavy and more than I can carry. My self esteem is lower than I've ever experienced. I feel worthless, ugly and incompetent. I don't know what to do or how to do it." How GRATEFUL I am to be out of that place. Who knows where I would be right now if I hadn't? I have been richly blessed and my life is happy. I have the most amazing family and friends. I have a job I love and can support myself. I have the gospel that blesses me daily. I have the temple that has been a refuge and protection.

"He hears your prayers. He knows your hopes and dreams, including your fears and frustrations. And He knows what you can become through faith in him. I testify that the Savior's Atonement lifts from us not only the burden of our sins but also the burden of our disappointments and sorrows, our heartaches and our despair. Whatever your distress, please don't give up and please don't yield to fear."

If you are lonely, please know you can find comfort.

If you are discouraged, please know you can find hope.

If you are poor in spirit, please know you can be strengthened.

If you feel you are broken, please know you can be mended.

"Be a woman of Christ. Cherish your esteemed place in the sight of God. He needs you. This Church needs you. The world needs you. A woman's abiding trust in God and unfailing devotion to things of the Spirit have always been an anchor when the wind and the waves of life were fiercest. If you live up to your privileges, the angels cannot be restrained from being your associates."

March 16th, 2013 Elizabeth Smart

I haven't blogged for a while! But on Saturday March 16th I went to a devotional that Elizabeth Smart spoke at with my Mom up in Evanston. It was titled "Overcoming Adversity." She did such a good job! I can't imagine actually living the horrific incident that she went through.

I have had my ups and downs and good and bad days throughout the last year. On the day that I went to her devotional was a day I had just been thinking, "Where is the justice?" Selfish I know......Elizabeth spoke about the night that she was taken and some of the events that took place over the 9 months she was gone from her family until she was finally found. She spoke about how after she had been gone for a while she started wondering if her friends and family even missed her. Or how they probably wouldn't ever want her back because she felt so used and dirty from what had happened to her. She gave a scenario that as a child your mother may have had a very special vase that she loved. And that she would tell you often to be careful around it so you didn't break it....and that one day you ran by the vase and accidentally knocked it to the ground and it shattered into millions of little pieces. The vase was just sitting on the shelf innocently and yet it was broken....it was so broken that no matter how much super glue was used it could never be put back together or be the same again. She explained that was how she felt...broken, damaged, never to be the same again. I started to have tears go down my face....that is exactly how I have felt. My trial is nothing in comparison to her....but I felt used, damaged, broken, and I KNOW that I will never be the same again.

I have had to try to come to terms that yes 9 and a half months of my life were taken away that I can NEVER get back....but I can choose to be happy and to live my life to the fullest. Me being bitter or sad only hurts me...It is very possible that I will not receive restitution in this life, or get back what I lost....But it will be okay because God is a perfect God. He is a God of justice and mercy. All that was lost, all the hurt, all the fear, sadness, tears will be made up for in the next life. That is the hope that we can always hold on to when we go through trials and it is the hope I have to remind myself of on a daily basis.