Near the Top!

I know you're tired. I know you feel overwhelmed. You may feel as though this crisis, this problem, this hard time will last forever. It won't. You are almost through. You don't just think it has been hard; it has been hard. You have been tested, tried and retested on what you have learned.
Your beliefs and your faith have been tried IN FIRE. You have believed, then doubted, then worked at believing some more, You have had to have faith even when you could not see or imagine what you were asked to believe.
You have had opposition. You have not gotten to this place with total support and joy. You have had to work hard, in spite of what was happening around you. Sometimes, what motivated you was anger; sometimes fear.
Things went wrong- more problems occurred than you anticipated. There were obstacles, frustrations, and annoyances en route. You did not plan on this being the way it would evolve. Much of this has been a surprise; some of it has not been at all what you desired.
Yet, it has been good. Part of you, the deepest part that knows truth, has sensed this all along, even when your head told you that things were out of whack and crazy, that there was no plan or purpose, that God had forgotten you.
So much has happened, and each incident- the most painful, the most troubling, the most surprising- has a connection. You are beginning to see and sense that.
You never dreamt things would happen this way, did you? But they did. Now you are learning the secret- they were meant to happen this way, and this way is good, better than what you expeced.
You didn't believe it would take this long, either- did you? But it did. You have learned patience.
You never thought you could have it, but now you know you do.
You have been led. Many were the moments when you thought you were forgotten, when you were convinced you had been abandoned. Now you know you have been guided.
Now things are coming into place. you are almost at the end of this phase, this difficult portion of the journey. The lesson is almost complete. You know- the lesson you FOUGHT, RESISTED, AND INSISTED YOU COULD NOT LEARN. Yes that one. You have almost mastered it.
You have been changed from the inside out. You have been moved to a different level, a higher level, a better level.
You have been climbing a mountain. It has not been easy, but mountain climbing is never easy. Now, you are near the top. A moment longer, and the victory shall be yours.
Yours struggle has not been in vain. For every struggle on this journey, there is a climax, a resolution. Peace, joy, abundant blessings, and reward are yours here on Earth. Enjoy.
There will be more mountains, but now you know how to climb them. And you have learned the secret of what is at the top!

The Language Of Letting Go!

I have had a lot of blessings and things given to me to help me to let go. My sweet mother gave me this book about three months ago. The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie. My Mom had read it years ago while she was going through some difficult trials and she thought it could help me. It really has! Some days I'd read something and think it was really good, but also thing "yeah right" I CAN'T do that. But with time I have been able to start healing and moving on. This book gives such true strength, encouragement, understanding, and guidance. I love that it has sincerely understood my emotions and stages of grieving and that ALL of those feelings are okay to feel at some point.

 It's okay to hurt:

"It's okay to feel hurt; it's okay to cry; it's okay to heal; it's okay to move on to the next feeling, WHEN IT'S TIME. Our willingness and capacity to feel hurt will eventually be matched by our willingness and capacity to feel joy." 

It's almost over......

"Each step of the way, we learned. We went through exactly the experiences we needed to, to become who we are today. Each step of the way, we progressed. Is our past a mistake? No. The only mistake we can make is mistaking that for the truth. There are no two moments in time alike. We are recovering. We are changing. Our life is changing. At times, things haven't worked out the way we wanted. We had lessons to learn. The future shall not be like the past. The truly difficult times are almost over. The confusion, the most challenging learning experiences, the difficult feelings are about to pass. Do NOT limit the future by the past!"

Gratitude:

"Sometimes in life, things happen too fast. We barely solve one problem when two new problems surface. Often when we're feeling overwhelmed, we can't see the lessons in these experiences. One simple concept can get us through the most stressful of times. It's called GRATITUDE. We learn to say, thank you, for these problems and feelings. Thank you for the way things are. I don't like this experience, but thank you anyway. FORCE gratitude until it becomes habitual. Gratitude helps us stop trying to control outcomes. It is the key that unlocks positive energy in out life. It is the alchemy that turns problems into blessings, and the unexpected into gifts." 

"God has planned little gifts along the way to brighten out day, and sometimes big, delightful surprises- perfectly timed, perfect for us."

"The good news of surrendering ourselves and our life to a Power greater than ourselves is that we come into harmony with a Great plan, one greater than we can imagine. We are promised Divine Guidance if we ask for it. What greater gift could we receive than knowing our thoughts, words, and actions are being directed."

The next one is for me to read on a bad day, when I am filled with doubt and uncertainty.......

 Days of Gray:

"Sometimes, the gray days scare us. Those are the days when the old feelings come rushing back. We may feel needy, scared, ashamed, unable to care for ourselves. When this happens, it's hard to trust ourselves, others, the goodness of life, and the good intentions of our Higher Power. Problems seem overwhelming. The past seems senseless; the future, bleak. We feel certain the things we want in life will never happen. People and things don't stop our pain or heal us. In recovery, we learn that this is OUR JOB, and we can do it by using our resources: ourselves, our Higher Power, our support systems. Often, after we've become peaceful, trusting, and accepting, what we want comes to us- with ease and naturalness. The sun begins to shine again. It's true that all change begins with us."

Strength:

We don't always have to be strong to be strong! Sometimes, our strength is expressed in being vulnerable. Sometimes we need to fall apart to regroup and stay on track. We all have days when we cannot push any harder, cannot hold back self-doubt, cannot stop focusing on fear, CANNOT BE STRONG. Sometimes, we cry in front of people. We expose our tiredness, irritability, or anger. Those days are okay, They are just okay. We have permission to "fall apart." We do not have to be perpetual towers of strength. We are strong. We have proven that. Our strength will continue if we allow ourselves courage to feel scared, weak and vulnerable when we need to experience those feelings."

I want the Lord to know I was REALLY HERE and that I REALLY LIVED!

Gratitude, positivity, service, optimism....all the things to be every single day! 

I am so grateful for beautiful people in my life. I have received SO many kind words that I can only hope to live up to someday! But I want to put them here in my "journal" so that I will never forget them and that I can refer back to them on difficult days.

"Hey Stephanie, im not quite sure if you remember me, but you were my visiting teacher. The other day I was browsing fb and I came a across your page. I just wanted to tell you, you always came across so put together and so happy and spiritual. Im sad that you have a very hard trial to go through. Just know that you have made a difference for people that you may not be aware of. Stay strong things will work out in the end, thanks for being you." 

This email was such a testimony to me of visiting teaching! I have never been great at it! And a lot of the time I have wondered if I have ever made an impact on any of the sisters lives...I know that the Lord can help others to feel the love that you have for them, and It was a reminder to me to keep doing the best I can and that hopefully I can be of some help to some of God's children as they have been to me!

"Hey Steph! I was just thinking about ya today and wanted to drop a little note to say how amazing you are . . . in doing so, I hope you are doing okay. It made me sick to my stomach thinking that you might be going through a hard time. You deserve the very best. I look up to you so much---I have always admired your deep strength and spirit, and not to sound cheesy, but your femininity! You truly represent the definition of "a daughter of God." I will always be grateful for the time we were able to spend together as a presidency. Even though it seems like it has been FOREVER since I've seen you, please know that you can call/message me any time if you need a listening ear. I love ya Steph!"

"Hey Love! I've wrestled with what to say. I don't know what happened, but I DO know that something so painful couldn't have happened to a more amazing person. I'm sorry for whatever happened but I want you to remember how absolutely phenomenal you are! I have always aspired to be like you. You are one of the most magnificent people I have ever met, and an absolutely shining example of our Savior. Thank you for being such a strong example to me." 

"Hey Steph I just wanted to tell you I think you are one of the most gorgeous girls who can't take a bad picture! You also are such a great example of living the gospel to it's fullest. You have always been such a good friend to me. You are so fun to be around and just uplift people with your presence! Your amazing! I'm so grateful to know a person like you."

 

I have been left overly and completely humbled by the kind words I have received! They have lifted me in my darkest hour and have left me in tears of gratitude. My hope is to only be the kind of person who is seen as an example and kind....These words have helped me to want to be better and to be an example of our Savior. I want to be more positive and serve others! I am so blessed to have a job that is caring for other people. It has helped me get through so many hard days because I am able to get my mind off of myself and my own selfish problems and to get to work helping others. I really believe I have the best job in the world!

"Marjorie Pay Hinckley - “I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails. I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp. I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbors children. I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone's garden. I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder. I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived.”

I love Sister Hinckley and hope someday I can be half the amazing woman she is:)

 

~My Bestie~

Whit thank you so much for always being such a good friend! I LOVE all of our fun memories! You really have been there for me through so much! You are absolutely beautiful from the inside out! You have the best and most fun personality. You can make anyone laugh! You know how to cheer me up when I'm down, how to give a good pep talk, and you were always willing to beat someone up or defend me because I'm a little whimp and can't do it for myself ;) haha. I don't know what I'd do without you and I'm so grateful to have you in my life! I know that we will be friends forever until we are old and I am senile and you will still be taking care of me:) Here are some of our fun memories. One that I really wish I had pictures of was up at Utah State when for some reason I was sad, can't remember why, It must have been a pretty big deal! Any who...you decided to come to my apartment to cheer me up. So we decided to play the "Ugly face game." Oh my word...for those of you who don't know how to play it, it's pretty much like it says. You pull ugly faces continuously for about fifteen seconds and then snap a picture of it to see what it looks like. It sounds dumb but it took about ten seconds before we were crying from laughter. Thank you for always being there for me Whit! Love ya!

My Sweet Valentine's date since mine sucked! Movie night! We were the only ones in the theater not on a date....It's okay we have more fun anyway!

 Recent trip to Vegas....I learned way too much on this trip...for starters I need to admit you in for therapy for a shopping problem. The problem being that you shop too much! Secondly...I will never ever ever ever ever ever ever believe you when you say "it's not that bad." huh hum No I will not go to American Storm again with you! Love ya

Our adventure toCowabunga Bay. My first time being out in public besides going to work for 3 months. Thanks for the much needed fun day! Even if we were the only ones over the age of 20 who didn't have small children with us it's ok! We got a little sun and had lots of fun! Okay I really didn't mean for that to rhyme....

I love quotes!

 I cannot count the days I have had spent on my knees that I sincerely felt this way...Sometimes there was too much hurt to have any words.....Luckily Heavenly Father was very aware of that. And me kneeling in prayer, crying, with no words to say was enough. What little faith and energy I had was enough! He knows my pain, he knows my heartache, he knows the times that I have to feel my chest to make sure my heart is still beating, he knows my hurt, my wants, my hopes, and my desires. I am so unbelievable grateful for that!

 This is 150% how I feel! I have no freaking idea how I am still a functionable human being. When your heart hurts so much, and your head can't catch up and make sense of it all....there is no other rational of how you get through it but because of the strength from God and from wonderful family. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can become a better person from my hardships! I have become more empathetic towards others who have gone through similar things. And if that is something I needed to learn then I will do it. I know that I will continue to see the things I have learned from my trials hope to continual become a better, stronger, person from them. 

Okay I have to admit there have been several days that I have been reduced by it! I let the saddness overwhelm me and I allow Satan to work on me. Make me feel I have no self worth, make me feel that I deserved this, and make me feel that there is no hope or happy ending. I REFUSE to believe it! I know I will be happy someday (even though every time I say that it is still really hard to say). Eventually I can and will sincerely believe it. We have a loving God who wants us happy!

 I absolutely know this. Thank the Heavens above that there is something better ahead! That there are better days ahead that there is happiness ahead, that there is a happy life ahead. One day I finally woke up and had enough self confidence to realize that this does NOT have to be my life. I don't have to live being put down, I don't have to live in a careful, hostile, negative, sad environment. I have the right to be happy! Thank you Heavenly Father for giving me that strength! Even though looking back on it now I can't imagine EVER ever ever doing it again! I am so blessed! And..........The best is yet to be!

New Adventure~Life in the ER

I have started a new job working at the ER at McKay Dee. I absolutely LOVE it! It was yet again another blessing in disguise. I have had a lot of different jobs in my life, especially with moving around so much throughout college. For some reason with every job that I have interviewed for I have been offered a position (maybe the people pity me haha). So when I applied for this ER position like 5 months ago and interviewed and wasn't offered the job I was kinda sad. I enjoyed the place I was currently working and just figured I would apply again sometime in the future. Little did I know that the Lord had a huge hand in it! A few days after I had interviewed and found out I hadn't gotten the job my life came crumbling down around me......I had no idea this was going to happen, but out Father in Heaven is able to see things that we can't. Seeing things hind site now there would have been absolutely no way I could have started a new job, especially in the ER that is high intensity and high stress, along with currently being in school, and going through everything I was going through. My current job was AMAZING to me! They will see in the month of June that for some reason I was "sick" a lot, and they completely understood my situation. I was driving back and forth from Wyoming and random other places that I would go and sleep for a few hours in between working. I had hit rock bottom! Lower than I have ever been in my life and sinking quickly. I had a four day span that I was working nights, driving back and forth, and had slept approximately 4 hours in those four days. Looking back on the month of June it sincerely was a blur. Life was continuing to go on around me and my body was going through the motions of living, but inside I was numb and felt completely dead. I cannot express in words my gratitude for the millions of blessings I have received the last 10 months of my life, but most especially the last 3 months of it. I can't thank the wonderful friends and family around me enough for a kind word or act of service I have received EXACTLY at the moment I most needed it. I know that I have had unseen angels around me helping me through it, but I also know there have been SO many angels here on Earth that have helped me. I am so grateful that the Lord works through others, and that those people in my life followed those promptings even when they had absolutely no idea why or what I was going through.....They just knew I needed them. Thank you thank you! So.....I did end up applying for an ER position about a month later and was so blessed to get it! It was perfect timing for my life, and the perfect time for change. I absolutely LOVE THE ER!!!!! The people down there are so great! I think you have to be a little corky to work in the ER to not let all of the bad and difficult things that you see affect you too deeply. I have already had tons of adventures and friends made! I can't wait for many more.